The Fister
by psycho revenant
Summary: I wrote this for my English class, but ran out of time, so it's here. A man kills God, the dragons of England and Wales, and clears out Cadia


"Oh good god, could you guys keep it down up there? I'm trying to sleep, and you nine are making it really fucking difficult." The people above me being the six devil kings, Yahweh, Ddraig, and Albion, all trying to kill each other. In my world. Really frickin' loudly. All this happened because I was hitting on Gabriel, Michael gets angered, somehow mistaking me for a devil, and gets his dad to start a war, which dragged in the Fallen Angels, while the two dragons were fighting each other. The three sides killed enough of their enemies that the war stopped, course that didn't stop these idiots from having a gladiator match in the attic. So I get some soul ripper knives and storm up there. "Alright, I'm up here, anyone I see will be killed, or at the least mutilated, as for the dragons, I will make you guys into gauntlets and sell you off, you can, however, take over the host if you guys find each other." With that being said, I took a spray of Bloody Eye, and once the stimulants kicked in, I barged in football hooligan style.

First guy that I saw was Belphegor, who immediately tried to eviscerate me. I get nicked on the arm, and stab him in the chest with one blade, and the forehead with the other. Leviathan shows up and she screams, so I throw the corpse in her general direction. She tries to run away, "You really thought it would work to run?", and she gets riddled with excalibur rounds, after which she faded away. The stimulants wore off, so I quadruple the dosage. I crash through the next door, which held all the other soon to be dead. The four remaining devil kings were splattered on the wall, Yahweh was missing a leg, and the dragons were slowing down. I load up a magazine of Samael's Curse, and walk up to Yahweh, who tries to smite me. "Why, do you know what will happen if you kill me?", now he's trying to get me to spare him. "One, literally nothing that concerns those alive or dead, two, maybe those holy wars would stop, I do have a lot to gain from this however, and why would someone who is only about a class three on offensive attack power, break into the house of a class zero, unless you want to be annihilated?", with that, I put 5 rounds in his skull. The dragons have turned to me now, and the last two shots go into them. Still high on the drugs, I walk out of the house, took 3 hours get out of the place, the second I open the door, I get a bolter in the chest, before I can react, I get shot, we all know what happens when an artillery shell goes off in a dude's chest.

Don't ask me how that this happened, but I wake up on a planet that wasn't anything like earth, in a different building, and the corpses around here don't look like anyone I've gone up against. I look up and see a dude with red hair, then I see the dogtags of one of the dead, "Death Korps 88th Siege Army, oh you have got to be kidding me…", then the redhead speaks. " Took you long enough, usually they wake up a night after you resurrect them, you took a month.", which got me to ask who the heck he was, " Sirzechs Lucifer, yeah, thanks to you, you ended a civil war which put me in power. So I kind of owe you." He hands me a ring or something along those lines. When I grab said ring, I start having hallucinations, like a mound of corpses, multiple Obliterators, and a horde of daemon engines. "Zechs, what is this supposed to be, and why am I seeing some of my enemies?" "The weapon I gave you allows you to create the soldiers that you have seen and a load of others, pretty much, if you can think of it, you can create it." I start to laugh, didn't last that long. I tried this ring out, a couple of warpsmiths show up for my attempt, safe to say, I would have fun with this. Zechs blows apart the warpsmiths, and he leaves to go back to his territory, something about his sister being forced into a marriage with a scumbag. I look out, to see a column of traitor guardsmen, which I hammer with Earthshaker cannons.

Anyways, after clearing out the planet which killed an amount of people that I neither know nor care about. The fleets over head, including a couple of Blackstone Fortresses, were reduced to acid corroded husks, and the Tyranid hive fleet was incinerated, this destroyed a fleet about ⅓ of the galaxy, imagine the munitions spent. Right as I was about to celebrate the genocide, I realize "Crap, I gotta crash the wedding!", and I made off for the Underworld. His queen, for some reason they use chess pieces for their little peerages, shows up and gave me some sort of paper that teleported me down to the place the wedding was at. The guards tried to stop me from going in, so I bash one guys head in, and strangle the other. I bisect the guard so I could throw him, and carve a message in his chest. "If anyone objects to th-" I kick in the door and chunk the corpse right in the priest's face. The groom, who was a guy named Raiser Phenex, shouts "Guards, kill this upstart!", and here's my reaction, "I already killed them." I turn to Sirzechs, who is laughing his head off. "Alright, I owe you for the Psycho Forge, so how 'bout this, I end the wedding, kill this guy and his peerage, and if she wants to, marry your sister to end the stream of aneurysms the suitors are giving me." I turn around and grab his sister, who was just as much of a douche as her brother, grab her by the head, slam it in the ground, and put a gun to it. "I got a challenge, you and your peerage, vs me, in a deathmatch, and I choose who lives." He brings up his peerage, and Raiser starts trying to intimidate me. "I have 15 people, and I'm immortal. It's obvious who wins, I have won 8 rating games, what have you done?" now this was getting hilarious, I retort, "Hmm, 8 fights, I have killed God, mauled two of your Devil Kings, annihilated the Chaos Space Marines, reduced the Chaos Gods to mere lesser daemons, destroyed the tyranids as an effective fighting force, and gouged out the Eye of Terror." Most of the people in the room outside of Sirzechs, were shocked that I had committed deicide and genocide. "So what do you do, you force a woman you don't deserve to marry you, hire incompetent guards, and try to intimidate me with a force of 15 glorified prostitutes, yeah, it's obvious who'll win, your's truly, scheissekompf.", and I flip him off, and pull the trigger. His sister screams, then I take a closer look at one of the guy's servants, then I realize who it was. "What did you do to the daemonculaba?", with that my blood started boiling. The daemonculaba are women that got captured by the Iron Warriors traitor legion, implanted with 20 artificial organs, then raped, if they are skinless, they are flushed out the sewage system of the fort, to become Unfleshed, if they have skin, they get an extra layer stitched on them, and become new Chaos Marines. I had launched an assault on Medrengard alongside two loyalist marines to destroy the fortress the daemonculaba were held in, said woman, named Isabella, was the only one of the daemonculaba that survived the month long artillery bombardment, so I got her out of the line of fire and massacred the fortress. Now she's in front of me, looking like the phantom of the opera, Raiser's smirking, and I don't know if I should kill him now, or torture him to death at the game. "She wouldn't pleasure me, so I burned her." Yep, he has screwed himself. "You better hope I kill you quickly, it's the last thing you can hope for." I shoot his sister twice then I walk out.

Ten days later, The game started, I inject myself with the Obliterator virus, and I bombard the enemy position with artillery. I tear into the kids out in front, jam one of them into a hellcannon, and send her flying. I shot up the building they used as a base, only three were left, "You, MONSTER!" the sister ran in front of me, to get butchered with light spears. "You dumbass."

I saw the queen, and blew her out of the sky, I sprayed her with boiling blood to screw up the Phoenix Tear she had. I loaded the guns with daemons. "COME OUT, BEFORE I DRAG YOU OUT AND JAM YOU IN WITH YOUR SISTER'S CORPSE!" He ran out, and I pelted him with Maidens of Malal. "That's right motherfucker!"

I had to marry Rias after that happened, and I got ripped apart by the bombs in my chest. My soul got loaded into some sort of machine, and I got to mess around with the peerage, my sacred gear was fused with the machine, I got deactivated a few months later. I was killed at the battle of the Blood Rift.


End file.
